At last, you present yourselves at Billian's gate again. Soon, you are standing on the shaded patio again where you first talked with him. The scene is strangely like it was before, with Billain doing the talking and Razamataz standing in the background. The arch mage looks to be in a good mood...almost happy to see you.
"I am glad that you have agreed to undertake the retreival of the sword," says Billian. "Also, your loyalty to your fallen comrade continues to inspire admiration. I hope, however, that your errand to the Hells is a completed rapidly. Now that the eastern kingdoms have fallen, the armies of Mestom are fighting their way south. You do not want to encounter them.
"Are you ready to depart for Hell?"
Occa says, "Send us to hell, please. We will return as soon as possible."
He bows to Billian and Raz.
Emm sheaths his sword, draws his longbow and and a magic arrow. "May the gods be with us," he whispers.
"Wait a sec..."
Niko checks his equipment (he's still laden down with stuff) "Darian, when we arrive in Hell, can I store some of my weapons with you? I'm not sure which weapons will still be enchanted until we arrive."
Darian nods wearily. "Sure..."
Niko hands Occa a magic dagger "Here. Just in case."
He pauses a moment and removes his leather cloak (Niko is wearing Darian's old magical chain mail underneath). Handing it also to Occa he whispers, "It may not look like much, but it will protect you like scale mail and let you breathe underwater while allowing you to cast spells."
"Wow, thanks Niko!"
He tucks the dagger away and puts on the cloak.
Niko shrugs. "I'm not stupid. If you die down there, we're stuck down there forever."
He chuckles, "I guess that is true."
"I guess if I were really smart, I would have mentioned it earlier and made some contingency plans. Oh, well..."
"Better take care of me...."
Niko grins. "That, my good arch-mage, sounds very much like a threat..."
Occa chuckles.
"We've always tried to take care of you, Occa. However, all the bad guys seem to know you're important so they always go after you."
"I Know. I was joking."
Darian nods. "Good. Just know that we are your friends as well as your companions. I'd die for you, Occa."
"Same here...but I guess we all have at one time or another. Except for these greenhorns."
Darian grins. "Where they're going, they'll have a chance."
"OK...I'm ready now."
Taking a deep breath and holding it for a moment, the young man's normally calm and serene face seems tinged with fear and worry. When he speaks though, his voice is still calm. "As ready as I can be."
"Let's do it before we lose our nerve," Op Code remarks. "I hope you work," he says to his magic sword.
"Okay!" says Razamataz, stepping up and crackling his knuckles. "Scene one, take two!"
"Alakazam!" says Razamataz.
There is the obligatory puff of purple smoke.
When the smoke clears, you see that you are no longer on the shaded patio.
Instead, you find yourselves in a large, white-painted room...barren except for the 1978 Chrysler Le Baron 4-door (black) parked in the centre of the place.
"In Forseti's name," gasps Varlen, "what is that?"
As you stand there gaping, Razamataz appears...only this time he is wearing a loud checked jacket.
"Ain't she a beauty! Four doors, auto, air, velour interior, 318 and stereo!" he says, obviously enjoying himself. "Go on, take her for a spin!"
Varlen gives the mage a puzzled look, his eyes shifting incomprehensibly from him to the contraption before them. "A spin? How do ye spin something that big?"
Suddenly you find yourselves sitting inside this vehicle, marvelling at the plush interior and luxuriating in those velour seats...though it is a little cramped with all of you in there. Op Code is in the drivers seat.
Niko grumbles something about him being the captain, but then suddenly cries out "Shotgun!" and jumps into the front passenger seat.
"I'm the captain of this ship," Op Code tells Niko. "You can be my logical right-hand man."
"He does have the pointy ears for the job," says Robert, as he tries to extricate Gilstrock's elbow out of his left eye.
"Hey! Is that some sort of ear remark?"
Suddenly there is a terrible noise from under the hood, as the mighty 318 thunders to life...or at least seven of its eight cylinders do. There is a loud -
KER-CHUNK
- and a lever which sticks out of the side of the steering column before Op Code drops down a few notches.
The car lurches forward, while at the same time the wall before you starts to slide up and out of sight...revealing before you...stars and blackness.
"Have a nice test drive!" calls Razamataz, as the accelerating vehicle hurtles out of the room, over the edge, and down into a bottlomless, star-flecked infinity of nothingness.
"I'll get you for this, Raz," Op Code yells. "He didn't leave us with any Donna Summer music."
Those sitting next to him feel Varlen stiffen as he looks nervously about. When the contraption suddenly starts making loud noises, the young man starts terrible. As he sees the others apparently accepting what is going on without word or appearance of concern, Varlen tries to calm himself and his fears. However, when the thing starts moving forward and then speeds downward, Varlen closes his eyes tight and clutches his silvered quarterstaff just as tightly.
"Forseti," he whispers, "guide my steps along this path which ye have set me on so that I may learn that which ye wish me to learn so that I may better serve thee."
Occa reaches up and turns on the radio. Then he buckles his seat belt and enjoys the ride.
"Occa, try and get some disco on the radio," Op Code remarks.
The melodious strains of KC & The Sunshine Band come thumping out the three functioning speakers...almost drowning out the terrible burbling and rattling noises that come from somewhere underneath the machine.
"Wha? ummm.. what the?" John looks around, mumbling - eyes wild, not sure what is going on.
"Ah! That will do," Op Code smiles.
Occa turns the dial until he finds something good playing.
All you get is KC & The Sunshine Band.
"Well, it didn't take long to get here!"
Niko draws his cutlasses. Does the one glow and the other flame on command? "Maybe you guys should check your weapons now, too. Just in case."
Drawing his blades in the somewhat crowded confines of the car, Niko accidently beheads Darian...well, almost.
"That'll be two bits fer that close shave, Darian. Do ya want a haircut, too?"
Darian crammed into the backseat with most of the others says, "I don't have enough room to scratch my nose. You want me to try to draw my sword?!"
"My, my...aren't we Mister Cranky Pants today. You'd think you were going to Hell or somewhere like that!"
Niko sulks.
"That's because you're in the front seat. You don't have Gil's mace sticking you in the ribs and Emm's longbow poking you in the ear."
The LeBaron careens downwards into infinity. All about you is star studded blackness. After your initial panic subsides you realize that this is not an uncontrolled descent to your deaths, but actually a controlled descent (to your deaths?).
Hours pass. You become hungry. You eat. You look out through the windows. Nothing seems to change.
After an eternity, the scene outside begins to alter. The sky starts to brighten, takes on a reddish hue, and the stars fade. The air seems to become hazy. Then, ahead of you, you see land.
By this time the sky is quite bright, but the air seems laden with either smoke or dust. The land ahead seems parched and totally barren, and spreads out in all directions to the limit of your vision. At first few details are visible; then you start to notice that the terrain is rough and undulating, with tumbledown hills and rock piles virtually deviod of plant growth. Then, you notice a line of something on the ground. From this height it is impossible to tell just what it is, but as you continue to descend more details become visible. Suddenly you realize that what you are looking at is a four lane highway slicing across the cratered and pocked face of this plane. Lined up, bumper to bumper on this road are four parallel rows of vehicles like the one you are in; only all of these are unmoving, dead and rusting in the heat. Two lanes face in one direction, two lanes face the opposite way. The highway and its bizarre traffic jam stretch as far as the eye can see in either direction.
You are not high above the surface of the plane now and the LeBaron comes out of its long dive, flying low over the highway. It is a scene of carnage not seen since February 1991AD in Kuwait. Ahead of you is a break in the traffic...
The LeBaron lands with a mighty thud on a dusty patch of highway, skids, and crashes into the rear end of a 1988 Toyota Tercel. A moment passes while you sit stunned. But for the sound of something hissing under the crumpled hood, there is silence.
After a few moments, you come to what remains of your senses. You open the doors and climb out, looking around.
Behind you, the road seems to be heading for what must be an enormous mountain, far away and right at the limit of your vision. Before you, the road heads arrow straight for as far as your bleary eyes can see. The first thing you fasten your eyes on, though, is an enormous sign at the side of the road. White letters on a green background convey to you the following message:
Next Exit: Never.
The air stinks of sulphur, brimstone, hydrocarbons and many other, less pleasant odours. It is hot and dry here, and the air rasps your lungs as you breathe.
Ahead, and to the left is a large building at the side of the main highway. Indeed, a single lane road - jammed with rusting vehicles as usual - diverges from the main route a short distance ahead and connects up with a large parking lot surrounding the building. An large sign at the turnoff reads:
SERVICE CENTRE
And, by the building itself is an enormous illuminated sign in red with yellow arches, reading:
MC DEATH'S - billions and billions killed
Wafting through the air from the building comes the delicious aroma of frying meat.
You truly know now that you have gone to Hell.
"I'm hungry," says Robert.
Once outside, Darian looks around and sighs. "Guess we walk now? Does anyone know in which direction?"
Gilstrock gets out, extracating his elbow from Darian's left ear. Once outside, he looks cautiously around the landscape, and suspiciously at the line of wrecked cars. "I don't like looks of this place," he says. His hand strays over his left shoulder towards the hilt of Hellsbane, but he thinks twice about drawing the sword and settles for shifting his spear back to his right hand.
He looks over at the McD's, and smells the frying meat. "Mmmmmm," he says. "When's dinner?"
Then suddenly the large blond warrior starts to look a little green. "Um, what meat are they frying in there?"
Emm emerges from the contraption a bit bewildered. He attempts to take a deep, calming breath only to find his lungs filled with noxious fumes. After a brief coughing spurt he glances around with a grim set to his mouth. The man approaches one of the junked vehicles and peers in to see if there is anything of value.
There is nothing of worth.
"Didn't Razzy give you directions, Occa?" asks Robert. He looks around. "I've been here before."
He points off in the direction that the LeBaron faces.
"The last time, we landed several days off that way."
He turns and points to the mountain.
"Set's stronghold or something. He's building a giant pyramid, I think. Rockchin's old stronghold is on this side of it. That's where we battled him and Razamataz...this time three years ago."
He turns silent. His stomach growls.
Darian reaches into one of his many pouches and pulls out some rations and bread. He hands them to Robert. "I know it's not pizza or anything, but at least it's edible."
"Thanks. I brought my own."
"Can we go home?" John asks in a small voice, "I don't like it here."
He then pulls himself up and shakes his head.
"I guess I am hungry too, can we eat the food here or will it kill us?" he asks, not sure of anything at this point.
Wide-eyed, but his face masking any other emotions, Varlen slowly turns his head from side to side scanning his new surroundings. You can see his knuckles start to turn white as he tightens his grip on his silver quarterstaff.
In a soft, but controlled, voice that gives no hint of fear or other emotions, he says, "Truly I have been, nor seen, anyplace such as this. What are these big metal objects all over the place? How do they move without horses or some other animal to pull them?" Turning to Occa, "Is it magic that makes them go?"
After pausing a moment longer to take another look around and absorb everything around him, Varlen follows the others.
Niko gets out to stretch his legs and checks if his weapons still are magical.
One of his cutlasses continues to glow. The other, the flame tongue, flames as usual.
Occa gets out and stretches. "Okay, our goal is an iron castle a few days from here. It is ruled by an Arcanodaemon that is subject to Set. Let's find a native and find out where this castle is located. I expect MC's might be a place we can start." He turns to Op Code, "Thank any of these cars will work off road?"
He looks for a suburban in the line of vehichles.
Most of them are little more than wrecks.
Occa says, "Yes, that is right. Let's go."
Occa heads toward McDeath's.
The rest of you follow.
Up close, you see that the building is a large barn - like affair with mostly glass walls, and several entrances. Outside what is obviously the main entrance is a large statue of a garishly dressed, leering clown (Donald McDeath, corporate mascot). There seems to be a lot of activity going on inside.
Inside, you see a large open restaurant. More than half of the area is filled with tables and uncomfortable looking chairs and benches bolted to the floors. The rear portion of the place is obviously the food cooking and preparation area, separated from the eating area by a long counter. On this side of the counter are the customers, on the other side the employees...
The building measures some 100' X 200', with several entrances which jut out from the general rectangular shape.
You walk around the statue of Donald, and go in through the front entrance. After passing through a set of double doors, a 10' x 20' foyer and then through a second set of double doors, you enter the main dining area of the restaurant.
This large area is divided onto two parts by a 20' wide aisle leading from the main entrance to the counter at the rear. There are many booths along the walls and tables out in the open area. The whole place is hung with plastic plants, while cheap reproduction art (depicting scenes of death and destruction, of course) hang from the walls. The floors are knee deep in garbage (mostly paper and foam packaging) and your feet tend to stick to the tiles as you try to move about in here.
This part of the restaurant is crammed with souls damned to spend eternity in Hell. You see hundreds of them here, sitting at tables eating humbuggerburgers, Filet of Flesh sandwiches, and french flies. In appearance they look like humans, but for a slight pearlescent glow about them. There are men, women, and many screaming children here, wearing togas and loose fitting robes. One funny thing which you notice here is that they appear to you only in full frontal or profile views - it is impossible to see them in quarter views. In addition, when they get up to go to the counter to order more of the so-called food, they move very stiffly and with strange arm movements. These are, after all, the Egyptian Hells! This brings up another point which you notice after watching for a few minutes. The customers in here seemed to be damned to do nothing but order and pick up junk food from the counter at the back of the eating area, take it back to a table, eat it, and then repeat the cycle over and over again for all eternity.
What a fate.
You have never seen such an unhappy looking, overweight lot of lost souls in your lives.
Here and there in the crowds you see the odd employee, vainly attempting to clean up the mess. These are kobolds and goblins, wearing sickly looking lime green coloured polyester uniforms.
You wade through the filth up the aisle to the counter at the rear, some 110' away.
This part of the restaurant is jammed with people. On the dining area side of the counter are orderly lines of customers waiting to be served, while on the other side are many kobolds, goblins, orcs and devilish types scurrying about filling orders, cooking, shouting and being shouted at. It all looks quite chaotic to your untrained eyes, but since these are the Hells, it is actually very organized. Atop the counter itself are a half a dozen peculiar-shaped metal box like affairs, with buttons on the top. There is a kobold standing before each box, pressing these buttons. Every now and then a drawer at the back of the box pops open for no apparent reason. The kobold then takes money from a customer, drops it into this drawer, and closes it again.
It all seems very interesting to you.
Above the counter and behind it is an illuminated menu board. The following items are listed...
Occa says, "Uh, I don't think I want anythng here. Maybe we should push on."
"I suggest we continue onward, Occa. Especially, if we don't want to attract attention to ourselves..."
"Yeah...don't know if I want to eat here," says Robert, whose stomach has stopped growling. "Which way, Occa?"
"Urp, yeah, mean too," Gilstrock says. "Think I'm gonna go on a diet. No food 'till we get back to that Amrica place."
After a moment's thought, the warrior amends that. "OK. No local food 'till we get back to that Amrica place."
Gonzo concurs with, "MMMFHFHGPH MFHHLDPL," his mouth full of iron rations.
Occa looks to the others. "Of course, I expect they have alot of cash behind the counter."
He giggles...then he stops giggling suddenly as he realises that Razamataz never gave him any directions to the iron castle.
Niko rolls his eyes upwards toward the sky and marvels at the wondrous hues. Shaking his head, he comments, "Well, how hard could it be to find this pyramid. Why doesn't someone just fly upward and take a look around?"
"Uh ... Occa? Maybe now would be a good time to teleport me ... err .. or us to Sandas ... to get more information about this castle in hell?" Jesse says softly.
Occa says, "Simple enough. We just ask one of the locals for directions."
Occa jumps on the counter and starts yelling, "Manager, manager, manager! I have some sugar in my tea! Where is my arsenic?"
An attractive young erinyes devil comes over. She wears a badge identifying her as an Assistant Manager...whatever that is. In fact, all of the employees are wearing these Assistant Manager badges.
"May I help you, sir?" she asks, looking up at the arch-mage on the counter.
He jumps down as the rest of you talk.
"Um... Now what?"
"Can any of the mages or clerics cast a spell to locate Salaam or something that he owns that the spell would see?" John asks.
"What clerics? We have high level clerics?"
John replies, "I figured if we have a few mages, we would have a few clerics as well. What do I know ? I am a monk, dammit, not a cleric."
"Well you guys sure look alike," Op Code remarks. "Do we have any clerics here?"
Ricblane, the ever quiet, says, "I am a cleric. Do you have need of my services? Marriage, Conversion are my speciality."
"I thought it was the resident high priest that we were here to rescue," Robert adds wryly, before continuing, "When I was here last we came in from that direction."
He points off in the direction opposite to that of the mountain.
"We were heading towards the mountain, but we reached Rockchin's stronghold long before we got to Mister S' place. I wonder if the daemon has taken over Rockchin's old stronghold...though it was not an iron fort."
He thinks again.
"I think we should head in the direction away from Set's stronghold. I know less of what's out there...and we will be farther from Set's influence, too."
Darian shrugs. "Might as well."
Occa says, "Okay, then let's go. The service here stinks!"
He heads for the exit. The rest of you follow. The devil watches you go, and shrugs.
You walk back out to the Highway and head off in the direction away from the mountain.
You have not travelled too far when suddenly the light starts to fade. Within five minutes a darkness so impenitrable descends that you are forced to stop. The temperature drops by some 30 degrees within a few minutes, though the wind does not let up.
You realise that you are all very tired, and decide to camp for the night. You find an empty Winnebago nearby, and set up in there.
You post watches and sleep.